The Poolish - Jewish Space Lasers Edition, 16 June 2024
Fauci evades capture once again, and more news
Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory? The Deep State never takes a day off in its unending crusade to eliminate Christianity and ruin videogames. Don’t worry though, freedom fighters like Alex Jones and Marjorie Taylor Greene are here to… mostly grift a whole bunch and sell you some supplements.
Republicans Continue Quest to Find Reason to Lock Up Fauci
There’s a science fiction time travel trope about modern humans going back to the Dark Ages and being hailed as kings if not gods for solving all their problems easily with out superior technology. We all know what would really happen though—we’d be burned at the stake or beaten to death.
We don’t need a time machine to see the effect in action. A Republican syndicate led by Marjorie Taylor “probably thinks demons keep her furnace running” Greene hauled top pandemic doctor Anthony Fauci in to explain what kind of witchcraft he used to kill millions of Americans in 2020 and demand he reverse his Satanic incantation.
Greene, with the gusto of a Spanish Inquisior but without a quarter of the reading comprehension, insists she doesn’t understand any of this fancy big words science mumbo jumbo, but she knows damn well that people weren’t allowed to go outside for several months because demons would catch them, and this Fauci character suddenly appeared and claimed to be a demon expert and started tellin’ folks to do all sorts a crazy stuff like washin hands all the time, wearin a stupid mask n jabbin folk with weird needles n stuff, shit like that. Marge, who’s been around the block a few times, knows this cannot be a coincidence.
Using the tried and true “he who smelt it dealt it” approach to disease control, the Republicans are absolutely certain that Fauci himself manufactured and released the Covid-19 virus. The problem is that they just can’t figure out how he done it.
Fauci, who retired in 2022 after a very long career as a leader in public health that culminated in the greatest public health crisis in a hundred years, should be sitting on a beach somewhere drinking something out of half a coconut with a little umbrella poking out of it. Instead, Greene, who refers to him as “mister” Fauci because she doesn’t respect the authority of doctors or the institution of medicine, dragged him back to Washington to bark at him about the damage he did to society with his lies about this supposed “virus” thingamajig that somehow floats around in the air all invisible and makes people sick.
To the GOP’s disappointment, they were still unable to sniff out Fauci’s crimes, and were unable to coax him into waving his wand and turning into a bat no matter how many crucifixes they waved at him. He is apparently cloaked in a far stronger veil of wizardry than they expected, and they will need to dedicate more prayer to a New York real estate developer to fully dispel the curse.
Shock: Elon Musk and Tim Cook Break Up Again!
Everybody in Hollywood is talking about America’s most famous on-again-off-again relationship.
No, not that one!! I’m talking about Elon Musk and Tim Cook. Silicon Valley’s hottest CEOs own an astounding seven companies between them. To be clear, Cook owns one and Musk owns six, so a fair prenup would be difficult to put together. Now everyone’s just waiting to see what they’ll Cook up next in this Elongated affair!
Their rocky bromance hit its first snag a decade ago when Elon, facing seemingly impossible challenges with his fresh new electric vehicle company, offered to sell Tesla to Apple outright. In an alternate universe, we could have had the iCar, but according to Musk, Cook refused to even entertain the idea of Apple cars. To add insult to injury, Cook denies they even ever had this conversation!
From then on, fans of the couple affectionately referred to by the media as Timlon Cusk have been teased by their will-they-or-won’t-they antics. When Elon purchased Twitter and immediately removed any and all moderation measures and utterly flooded the social media app with Nazis, Cook threatened to remove it from the Apple app store due to his strict “no Hitler apps” policy, leaving Elon heartbroken. How can you force a Boer to choose between his two loves: Capitalism, and white supremacy?
But the two later sorted out their differences at Apple HQ, with Cook assuring Musk that any ideological differences they have regarding the biological superiority of reduced melanin are outweighed by their mutual interest in comically obscene wealth.
Now it seems their relationship has run violently aground again over Cook’s shock announcement that he is going steady with Elon’s ex, OpenAI.
You might recall that Elon Musk and OpenAI were once on the road to marriage before going through an ugly high profile separation over politics. Musk’s accusation of OpenAI being too woke to accept his Hitler-curiosity created irreconcilable differences.
Now Elon has given an ultimatum—Tim Cook must break off contact with OpenAI or else he’ll have to fire any employee who owns an Apple device! Talk about tough love! I sure hope they sort out their differences and run away together and never come back and free humanity from the fucking dystopia the two of these evil oliagarchs have wrought upon us!
Illuminati Finally Stops Alex Jones, Apparently Forget They Could Just Shoot Him
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