The Poolish - Brain Worms Edition 19 May 2024

RFK Jr's unusual condition, and more news

Ladies and parasites, we’re more than half way through May, and nearly half way through the year. Next month the dumbest event anyone has ever heard of is going to happen as Joe Biden tries to civilly debate the man who wants to replace American democracy with a monarchy headed by his idiot family, and people are acting like it’s a lot more normal than it is because everyone seemingly has brain parasites.

So to head off this week’s rundown of some of the loopiest loose spark plugs bumping into the walls of our democracy we must of course start with the obvious:

How Am I Supposed to Write a Funny Headline About RFK Jr Having Brain Worms?

There’s a weirdly specific internet cliche about people with consistently and often increasingly incorrect views, baffling in their dedication despite the extraordinary resilience of the facts. We say these people have brain worms. It’s a funny turn of phrase, everyone laughs.

It’s exactly the type of accusation levied at Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has spent years running amok on a weirdly narrow and specific crusade of anti-vaccination all the while claiming he isn’t ant-vaccination while running an organization that pays him hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to oppose vaccines and on the down-low won’t commit to whether he believes in the germ theory of disease.

So what are we comedy writers supposed to do with the information that the New York Times just dug up about how RFKJ went to a doctor in 2010 with symptoms frighteningly consistent with his family’s history of brain tumours, at which time he discovered that, and I’m literally quoting Bobby here, “a worm … got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died”?

No, I said comedy writers, not the worm farmers.

Just a tip, though: You think that parasites getting into your brain might be one of those public health concerns that might be assisted by exactly the kind of confidence in health science that you’ve spent a career trying to undermine? You ever think of that, Bob?

GOP Candidate Runs Down Street in Full Face & Flak Jacket Because She Serves Jesus, Isn't Weak or Gay

Like many Republican politicians, particularly in state politics, and super particularly in red state politics, Valentina Gomez knows that she has to project a certain personality and that personality is Gun.

Holding guns, shooting guns, stroking guns, if you want to get right down to the heartbeat of Real America you don’t need to bother with pussified concerns like education and infrastructure and roads and the economy: You just need to reload and gun up for Jesus shoot liberty flag God, yee-ha!

Gun-totin’ liberty candidate for freedom and Missouri Secretary of State Valentina Gomez knew that her campaign video needed maximum America, so she dismissed with the irrelevent nonsense and cut straight to what’s important: Running down the street in a flak jacket in full makeup because protecting liberty doesn’t mean you can’t look your best. She takes the opportunity to instruct her prospective constituents that they live in America, so they can do whatever they want, before listing the things that they are not allowed to do (be weak and/or gay).

Because she probably edited the video herself with no idea how to use the (gay) software, the loud music obscures the words, so she repeated the message in her tweet and made sure to tag notorious sex traffickers Andrew and Tristan Tate before hitting send. Also, MAGA.

And Gun

When Jason Kander, a former Democratic Missouri secretary of state and candidate for US Senate pointed out that she’s never actually served in the military, Gomez snapped back by explaining that she serves Jesus, and America, and Gun, and Baseball. Yee-ha!

This isn’t the first of Gomez’ campaign videos, but simply the first to make the news by triggering the liberals with Jesus beer shoot liberty gun baseball MAGA flag. (Just nobody tell her that doing this with a revolver is dangerous or can break it)

Dog Murdering Governor's Increasingly Spurious Claims