Trump Campaign Desperate to Have You Believe Everyone's Trying to Kill Him

It kind of seems like they have nothing left now..

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Given that Donald Trump’s campaign are basically jettisoning battleground states by being openly racist against their inhabitants, it’s pretty clear that they’ve all but abandoned the electoral strategy of “getting people to vote for them” and are probably going to lean on the more familiar strategies of “crimes” and “rioting” because they’ll tell themselves the only reason that didn’t work last time is Trump got banned from Twitter, which is incredibly unlikely this time for reasons that rhyme with “keel on tusk.”

They do have one last legitimate vote-winning strategy, however, and that’s riding the wave of enthusiasm about people trying to kill him. (I don’t know why I’m using surfing metaphors).

The problem is that they can’t muster a wave momentous enough to last until November so they have to kind of keep poking it.

The first, and by almost all accounts legitimate (zip it, conspiracists), attempt on Trump’s life was all the way back in July, and he actually got bullet grazed and a phenomenal snap with the secret service and the flag and everything, it was perfect and amazing, all the polls said that the election was just a formality now, he just won the damn thing. Tubular!

But the election was still four months away and Kamala Harris said some cute stuff about coconuts, and—look, this isn’t 1963, this is the TikTok era. That party lasted only as long as it took JD Vance to say some really weird shit.

Also the assassin was a Republican, so this was a hard sell to begin with.

Then in September, news broke of a second assassination attempt. Holy shit! This clinches it. Donald Trump was officially John Wick. There are assassins behind every tree, lurking in every shadow. Surely this was the popularity surge that Trump needed to carry him through to November on a glorious red wave. Cowabunga!

Sure, they didn’t get any cool photos this time because the perp never squeezed off a shot. And he was kind of just skulking around the golf course with a gun and never had a line of sight to the former president, and they caught him without a fuss, and he was kind of a nutbag with no clear intentions.

Also he was a Republican, so… you know. But he had a history of donating to both parties, so maybe the crazy liberal narrative can get a foothold… No?

Okay so assassination number two kind of died in the ass much more quickly than the first and we’re still a whole three weeks from the election and it’s still so frustratingly close to the wire!!! Maybe it’s not too late to start trying to appeal to voters with something that isn’t RFK Jr or Racism but a secret third thing. Even Trump’s people know you can’t just keep playing the same failed gambit over and over—

Surf’s up!!!

Now it’s undeniable. The communist socialist liberal left Democrats are trying to kill Donald Trump because they all know he represents the biggest danger to America’s domestic enemies, and it’s crucial that you cast your v—

Aw, bogus.